Nathan, was a mid-30s senior software engineer, kind, introverted, and intelligent, who struggled with chronic indecisiveness, and was facing big choices in his career and romantic relationship.

“I just couldn’t for the life of me make a decision. And ultimately, I just ended up choosing something by default, half-directed. I kind of dipped my toes one way, and slightly turned back. It was just a mess. It didn’t feel good. It wasn’t effective. I think I was suffering from a similar kind of indecisiveness or lack of clarity in other elements of my personal life.”

His inability to make decisions left them feeling “pathetic,” frustrated, childish and helpless at times. The indecisiveness was compounded by a tendency to people-please. Nathan recognized that he was often caught in a cycle of managing others' emotions rather than asserting his own needs and desires. But he felt stuck. 

“To a certain extent I couldn’t take care of myself. Nobody can make these decisions for me.”

During sessions, During sessions, Nathan often arrived tense, so we’d get into our bodies to get centered.

“I would frequently arrive at our sessions in a state of tension or unease. Even within the first twenty minutes, I began to feel more grounded, relaxed, and prepared to manage the challenges I was facing. I always felt like I didn’t need to hold anything back. I could always be totally myself. ”

I got familiar with Nathan’s conditioning, by eliciting his instinctive reactions to pressure, through role play. I might play his romantic partner, pushing back against his desire for alone time, because it disappointed her — and Nathan would feel the bodily sensations (like tightness in the chest), and become aware of the physical manifestations (an acquiescing tone), and the impulses (to make her feel better, regardless of his own needs). 

“This role play business…allowed for some pretty poignant moments…where my response came from a pretty deep place in me, at times uncovering something to work on. And at times, I would say something, and Zach would remark, ‘the thing that you just said, that's really good, you can use that.’ There was this moment when I was seeking to be more reassuring, and I said ‘there’s room for both of us here.’ The way I said it was really heartfelt and I felt really connected to the love I felt for my partner. It really speaks to the level of comfort I had, letting myself go deeply into the role that I was playing.”

As we worked more on boundary-setting, we explored Aikido-based somatic practices, in which I might play a manager, coming towards Nathan with an outstretched arm, requesting he do some work that he had a right to refuse. Nathan would step towards me, block my arm, turn me around, and push me back the other way, saying “No,” bringing awareness to his sensations and posture as he did so. At times, I would “insist,” and push him back the other way, saying a line to make him feel guilty for declining me. We would debrief how his posture might indicate a soft boundary (like a tilted head) or how he might sometimes over-do it and say something with a snarky tone. We kept practicing, until we found a “centered extension,” a compassionate, dignified, boundary.

“Zach was not afraid to point out, you’re being a little snarky, it’s just interesting, and no judgment. He would ask if that’s what you want to impart on this interaction.”

After just 8 sessions, Nathan reflected on a number of practical and profound take-aways. As a note, Nathan, like many clients, also saw a therapist during this time, and felt that somatic coaching was “a great complement to my work with my therapist.”

Conveying weak boundaries: By getting familiar with his vocal intonation, his posture, and a “tentative” quality of touch when verbally or physically setting a boundary, Nathan was able to use these “somatic cues” as in-the-moment reminders to pause and make sure he was being intentional and not reactionary. With that awareness, Nathan trained to set more dignified boundaries and convey definitive “No” responses.

“We identified that the intonation with which I said “no” read more like a “maybe,” indicating that I don’t have a strong boundary around this. Developing that kind of awareness makes the space to recognize or even just ask the question. How is my current experience aligning with what I intend for myself?” 

Codependency “caretaker” patterns: We refined this work by looking at Nathan’s tendency to people-please and over-extend himself, leading to resentment and burn-out, always trying to manage other people’s experience. Nathan realized that he’s not actually responsible for how his “no” is received if it’s shared with compassion. This was important for breaking long-held patterns of codependency, allowing for more authentic and connective modes of interdependence.

“I find myself over-extended, physically over my center of gravity as I am going to offer a “no” response. Zach said that it feels like you are saying “no” and you are trying to make that OK for me who is receiving the no. I think that’s turned out to be a very crucial observation. I have a responsibility to communicate that as compassionately as possible, but I am not responsible ultimately for how it is received. That was like a lightbulb.”

It’s OK to take time to answer: Nathan learned to tolerate the discomfort of disappointing someone who wanted a clear “yes” or “no,” instead speaking honestly and in a dignified way.

“One of the really useful things we practiced is saying “I need more time.” That has turned out to be such a crucial skill.”

These deeply felt insights turned into concrete changes in Nathan’s communication, decision-making, and level of happiness.

• Identifying Boundaries: “The main thing that’s so much improved is just being aware of boundaries. Those three parts of that — knowing what it feels like to identify a boundary, to have one be pushed up against, and being able to communicate it.” 

• Saying “No” with The Whole Body: “I certainly do notice the difference in my tone. I say things more decisively nowadays. It feels really good!”

• Breaking Codependent Caretaking: “Aligning my behavior with the boundary. Having compassion with myself to not be responsible beyond me.”
  

• Decisiveness: “I was experiencing a lot of distress in trying to make a career-related decision and decisions related to aspects of my personal life. I do not experience that sort of distressing indecisiveness nowadays. I’ve felt greater access to groundedness and security in making significant decisions. I believe that this shift is ultimately due to my coming into greater connection with myself.”
  

• Big life changes: Nathan finally took a major work break that he’d been putting off, and also made big changes in his romantic relationship. “I made a couple of important decisions towards the end of our working together. They were difficult decisions, but incredibly clear. It was super clear that I needed to take some time for myself, deal with some health things, just take a break, I was pretty burnt-out. Both physically and emotionally, just not where I wanted to be at. When I kind of lined up, OK, what are my values, my health, financial means,and building the life I want for myself, it just became super clear to me. It was a really important decision. I quit, and never looked back. So now I’m spending time doing a lot of things that I know and have known are good for me. I’m just the healthiest and happiest I’ve been in a long time.